I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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