Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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