I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Boobs are out for the taking
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Randomize
