Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
