Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
