I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
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