I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
