guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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