If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
