her vagina looked like bernie madoff
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
