I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Randomize
