I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
