sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
