This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
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