I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize