Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
