i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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