I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
