dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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