Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize