Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
