mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
