This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
