the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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