perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
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