If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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