Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
