If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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