my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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