just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
