when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
They have beer where we have blood.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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