My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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