How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
