Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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