I didn't shave. On purpose
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize