can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
