She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
