proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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