I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
