you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
