he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
