you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
