No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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