some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
