mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
