She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
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