the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
