Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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