life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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