it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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