Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
