Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
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