I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
