That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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