Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize