I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Randomize
