Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
