trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
