I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
