90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
