i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
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