maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
