why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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